10 Ways To Impress Your Vietnamese In-Laws

Related Video: 10 Ways To Impress Your Vietnamese In-Laws | Vietnamese Culture | AMWF

For those of you who don’t know, I was born in raised in Maine, which is NOT a diverse place. My town was pretty much 98% white and the only way I could learn about other cultures was online or by making friends with the few international students we got each year in my high school.

I’m telling you this because I just want you to know that I went from literally knowing NOTHING about Vietnam to being able to compile this list for you based on personal experience. So, if you’re dating a Vietnamese guy, married to a Vietnamese guy, or just want to learn more about Vietnamese culture, here my top 10 tips to impress your Vietnamese in-laws or family members.

1. Learn how to speak Vietnamese

   Okay, so I had to lead with this because a lot of the following tips are easier if you can actually speak the language (or at least have a basic understanding of the language). Like most of the world, the young people in Vietnam are starting to study and speak English, however, most of the older generations don’t speak any English at all. While you could have your boyfriend or husband translate for you, it’s not the same as speaking Vietnamese and creating your own personal bond with his family members.

   If you’ve clicked this post and you’re already moving the mouse to click out because you know that you never in a million years will be able to speak Vietnamese then STOP and check out this post on how I learned Vietnamese. There was a time when I was just like you. I started from nothing, but now I’m able to hold basic conversations with Huy’s parents and have even been able to create vlogs completely in Vietnamese. Don’t give up just yet.

2. Learn how to greet people using the correct (and most respectful) pronouns

   I did mention this already in my post about my 8 tips for learning Vietnamese but I felt like it was important to mention it here as well. Respect for your elders is super important in the Vietnamese culture and that’s why being able to know how to address everyone using the proper pronouns is something that I recommend learning as early as possible.

   But what do I mean by “proper pronouns”? In Vietnamese, there is no simple “I” and “you”, but instead, everyone gets a different pronoun which changes based on their relationship with the other person they are speaking too. Yeah, I’m sorry if I’m not doing the best job at explaining this right now but it is kind of tough so let me give you some quick examples of how to say hello to the basic people in your family in Vietnamese:

   Cháu chào ông/bà ↠ I + hello + grandpa/grandma*

   Cháu chào bác ↠ I + hello + uncle/aunt (older than your parents)

   Con chào bố/mẹ ↠ I + hello + dad/mom

   Cháu chào chú/cô ↠ I + hello + uncle/aunt (younger than your parents)**

   Em chào anh/chị ↠ I + hello + older brother/sister***

   *You always have to say “I” in a sentence in Vietnamese to show respect to elders. If you are speaking to someone younger than you though, it’s okay to drop the “I”

   **The words for uncles and aunts get complicated depending on if they are on your mother or father’s side of the family, and if they are a blood relative or related through marriage. I wanted to keep this example simple for the purpose of this post.

   ***This can also be said between couples, em = the girl & anh = the guy.

   Something to know is that in Vietnam, if your family is really strict about these things then it’s important to know the correct pronouns because if you cannot address people with the correct and most respectful pronouns then your parents will be criticized for not raising you well. Of course being a foreigner that marries into a Vietnamese family means that others will hopefully not be so hard on you for this, but honestly, just try your best to learn this. Make your new parents proud. 🙂

3. Show your concern for family in an authentic and genuine way

   In Vietnamese when you want to ask someone how they are doing, the phrase literally translates to “are you well?” So if you want to ask your mom how she is doing, you can ask, “mẹ có khoẻ không?” [literally translates to “mom + has + health + no?”]. With that being said, you can see why showing your concern for your family members is a good way to build a connection with them.

   In the future, try to keep close tabs on your family members and ask how they are doing often. If you’re on the phone with your in-laws, ask how your grandparents are doing. This shows that you have a kind and caring heart which can go a long way with your Vietnamese family.

4. Always greet people when coming and going

   In America, you probably say “hi” and “bye” to people when you’re coming and going, but it’s more of a friendly thing and less of a respectful thing. In Vietnam, when you come home, you are expected to greet everyone to let you know that you’ are home. This usually means finding your grandparents to greet them, and then your parents, and whoever else might be present. This is typical on a day-to-day basis, so get into the habit of greeting everyone when you come home, even if you only went out for a few hours.

   On the next level is if you come back from abroad, you are usually expected to visit all of your relatives, or at least call them if they live in another city, to let them know you are back in the country and thinking of them.

   When you’re leaving you also should let people know that you’re leaving. It can be very simple but just letting them know you’re going is another good habit to have. If you want to see a simple example of me doing this, you can check out this vlog where my in-laws visited us last summer (greeting is at 8:30). You can hear me say, “con đi chơi” meaning, “I’m going out (with friends)”. Dad said to have fun.

5. Learn polite words like “dạ” and “vâng”

   When someone older than you is speaking to you, it is normal to always respond to them using these polite words. Both “dạ” and “vâng” can be translated to “yes” but their use goes deeper.

   If my father-in-law is speaking to me, maybe he’s talking about something for a long time and I am expected to listen to everything he is saying, I am also expected to show that I am listening by saying “dạ” and “vâng” throughout. So it will sound something like this:

   Dad (speaking Vietnamese normally but I’m translating to English here): It is important to start thinking about these things because your mom and I won’t always be here to help you

   Me: vâng (Yes)

   Dad: And sometimes your mom is worried about that because she isn’t sure what will happen in the future

   Me: dạ vâng (yes)

   Dad: Do you understand what I’m saying?

   Me: dạ, con nghe bố (yes, I’m hearing you dad)

   So you can see the basics of how this works. The other ways you can use these words is if you want to show that you agree with something (vâng) or if someone is calling out to you and you want them to know you heard them and are listening to them (dạ). If you are confused by any part of this please leave a comment and I will try to explain it a little better.

6. Never say “no”

   This point is connected with point number 5 because it all comes back to using certain words to show your respect to your elders. In Vietnamese, the word for no is “không”. In most cases, you want to be sure that when someone asks you a question, if the answer is “no”, you should not say, “không” by itself. You need to add either “dạ” to the front, so “dạ không” or you can add just “ạ” to the end, “không ạ”. This is the polite way to say “no” to someone and should always be used when speaking to someone who is older than you.

7. When eating, always invite anyone who is older than you to eat before starting

   This is one of my favorite cultural traditions, even though it’s not practiced in most places in Vietnam these days. Huy’s family is from the north so they still do this in their home, but I know most people in the south don’t invite anymore.

   So how do you “invite” people to eat? You say something like, “I invite grandpa and grandma to eat. I invite dad and mom to eat. I invite big brother and big sister to eat.” Then they will respond telling you to “eat” and then you can start. In Huy’s family, his grandpa passed away already so for me I say, “Cháu mời bà ăn cơm, con mời bố mẹ ăn cơm, em mời anh chị ăn cơm”.

   I seriously love doing this. I learned how to do this before I met Huy’s family so I have been doing it since the beginning and for me it’s almost like a symbol for me joining his family and his culture since I said it on the first day I came to his home.

   On a side note, if you’re eating a snack, don’t forget to offer some to others who are present and older than you before eating. Even if you know they will refuse, still offer.

8. Use two hands when passing an object to anyone who is older than you

   This one was hard for me to learn because we don’t have anything like this in American culture. I would mindlessly hand someone an object with one hand, only to be met with Huy repeating, “two hands, two hands, two hands!!!” This drove me crazy because I did know that I was supposed to use two hands already but I just kept forgetting. I felt really embarrassed about it every time I forgot because I know how important this is to his family.

   So if you’re ever handing something to someone who is older than you, use to hands and if they are far from you and you cannot comfortably reach them with both hands, simply rest of hand on the arm which you are using to pass the object. This will symbolize the same thing in this scenario but ideally you should have both hands on the object when possible.

9. Volunteer to serve the rice to the whole family during meals

   This tip is more for the ladies. During meals in Vietnam, there is usually many dishes on the table and food is eaten family style. Everyone has a small bowl of rice and they use their chopsticks to pick up meat and vegetables from the dishes in the middle of the table. They put those meat and vegetables on top of the rice and eat everything together.

   Since the rice bowl is very small, people usually eat 2-3 (or even 4) bowls of rice during the meal. That means that they constantly need to get more rice. The rice pot is usually placed next to one person on the table and that will be the person who serves the rice to everyone. This is usually the mother of the family or the daughter-in-law.

   Being the rice server isn’t always fun because it means you have to stop eating every time someone needs more rice. They will pass you their bowl and maybe tell you if they want a whole bowl or half bowl of rice. When serving the rice, you should always give two scoops. If they don’t want a lot of rice, do two small scoops. The reason for this is because there is a superstitious belief that one scoop of rice symbolizes food for dead people. If you give only one scoop of rice and then hand the bowl back to the person, it can symbolize that you want that person to die!! So always make 2 scoops, the second scoop can have as little as a few grains of rice and it will still do the trick.

   When I say to volunteer to be the rice server, that means that you are taking on this very important role in the family and showing that you can integrate into the culture. Usually when I’m with Huy’s family, his mom serves and doesn’t let me do it, but at home I always serve for Huy the same as if we are in Vietnam. I take pride in doing this.

10. Just be yourself

    Learning all of the Vietnamese cultures and traditions might be stressful in the beginning and you might feel a lot of pressure to be “perfect”. But you don’t want to become someone that you’re not. Learn these things with time, but don’t lose sight of who you are. I’m sure that if you just be yourself and try your best to make an effort to learn the culture then your family will love you the same way that your partner already does.

I’m not trying to say I’m an expert or that if you don’t do these things you won’t have a good relationship with your Vietnamese family members, but these are all based on my experience. I follow all of these tips and have been able to create a strong bond with Huy’s family despite having a language barrier. If I can do it, then so can you!

Leave a comment down below if you know of something else that I didn’t mention in this post that would also be helpful!