Related Video: My American + Vietnamese Identity | Multicultural Marriage | AMWF
For those of you who don’t know, I was born and raised in a small town in Maine. I was a driven student but I didn’t really have “big” dreams. I imagined myself going to college, becoming a high school English teacher, having a cat, a couple of kids, and settling in the woods in Maine. I was also very independent minded, and my future plans and dreams were focused on what I wanted, not really about my family.
Then I met Huy. We fell in love fast and everything was romantic and magical. But then I learned that his culture was very different from mine. This wasn’t something that I learned quickly since Huy was within my culture in America when we met. The moment when I learned this was on a birthday. I had been waiting all day for my gift from Huy, and nothing came. All my friends kept on asking me, “what did he get you? What did he get you?” and I was feeling super awkward telling them “nothing”. At the end of the day he cooked dinner for me, but there was no gift.
That night, I can’t remember exactly what happened but I brought it up. I told him that everyone was asking me about it and I felt so sad. He became very angry because he felt as though a material object shouldn’t be required to show love. I know now that he was totally right, but in that moment we fought because as an American I was shocked. Gifts are special to Americans. They make you feel like the person was thinking about you and saw something special to give you to make you happy. But Huy completely disagreed. That was the first time we had a conflict related to cultural differences. ((On a related note, many people who heard this in my video said that this example isn’t a cultural thing but probably a personal choice, and not all Vietnamese people have this mindset. But for the the sake of my story, I count it as cultural because it’s how it was framed in the moment.))
Everything I had ever known as the American lifestyle and expectations for my life were turned upside down. I remember the first time I went to Vietnam to meet Huy’s family was actually for our wedding. I quickly became frustrated with his family because of the way I was treated like a child while I was in their home. I remember crying because I was so annoyed that I had to eat the foods I didn’t like, which is something that in America you only have to do until you’re 18 and then you can make your own choices.
Understanding the importance of family was the big concept that really helped me to understand the Vietnamese culture as a whole. Family is at the root of the Vietnamese mindset and decision making process. This is also very different from the mindset of an average American who may love their family but ultimately makes decisions based off of their own interests. It’s common in the US for families to become estranged and for those connections to be broken into adulthood (and even during childhood). Being able to understand the stark difference between the family culture is the number one thing that helped me to understand Huy, his family and the Vietnamese society.
I’m at a place where I’m able to understand and accept the Vietnamese culture, but I’m also able to keep being American. Huy has been living in the states for 10 years now, spending all of his young adult life here. Because of that, our family has a nice balance between American and Vietnamese values. I’m not forced to completely give up my American identity, but I have molded myself into a new person.
I now see myself as half Vietnamese, which may sound really weird to a lot of people. I have taken some of the Vietnamese values and incorporated them into my life and mindset. Because of this, I have become less selfish (though I’m still working on this) and more open to making sacrifices for family.
While I do have a pretty good understanding of the Vietnamese culture and have been able to even accept some aspects of it into my life, there are still times when Huy and I have disagreements about things. To be honest, we may never be able to 100% understand each other’s culture since there are some things that have been ingrained into us from childhood that may never be changed. The key is to understand that even though we have different opinions about various topics for cultural reasons, we still need to work together to come to an agreement that works for both of us.
This post is just a brief overview of my experience and there is so much more I can say about this topic. I would love to hear your perspectives on this topic and also would like to know what you want to hear more about. Do you agree with my observation about family dynamics between Vietnamese and American culture? Comment below!