Learning the Vietnamese Culture as an American Daughter-In-Law

Related video: Learning the Vietnamese Culture as an American Daughter-In-Law | The Struggle | AMWF

In a month we will be going back to visit Huy’s family in Vietnam and i’m beyond excited. After years of getting to know the culture, the language, and his family, I am happy to call Vietnam my second home.

Today I want to share my experience learning Vietnamese culture as an American daughter-in-law. It wasn’t always easy like it is now but I strongly believe that my willingness and openness to learn the culture is what has allowed me to have such an amazing relationship with Huy’s family even though I’m not completely fluent in Vietnamese. I made a huge effort to learn and it definitely paid off.

In the very beginning, I was so clueless about everything. I remember being so nervous to come to Vietnam to meet Huy’s parents before the wedding because his family is from the north of Vietnam and so they are quite traditional and polite. I was so afraid I was going to offend them if I said something wrong, so in the beginning I remember I was really shy. I was able to greet his parents using polite pronouns (cháu chào 2 bác) but most of the time I was really quiet around them because I didn’t want to say something wrong or impolite.

There was actually one time in 2013 (my first trip to Vietnam) where I did say something that was horrifying in the moment but so funny now. We were having dinner and at this point we were already married so I was able to call his parents bố (dad) and mẹ (mom) and I was talking to dad. I can’t remember what I was saying but I did say “bố” only too bad for me, I actually said, “bò”. Huy immediately said under his breath in a not very pleased tone, “You just called him BEEF!!”. I was thinking, “oh shiiiit it’s so over now”. hahaha

Even though my language skills were not that great in the beginning, I tried my best to learn other ways to show my respect for the culture. Huy taught me that any time I am going to hand something to someone who is older than me, I need to use both hands. In the beginning it was so hard because in the US we don’t have such a custom so I forgot almost every time. Huy would be saying, “both hands!!!” and I was just like, “ahhhhh”. I was super grumpy at Huy in the moment and I think mainly it was because I was frustrated that I kept forgetting to use two hands. I felt so embarrassed every time because I could tell that even though this small gesture didn’t mean anything to me as an American, it was super important in conveying respect to elders.

During my first trip I was also happy because even though I wasn’t on top of everything, Huy had taught me about inviting the family to eat before a meal. This ritual goes like this: before you eat you say, “I invite grandpa and grandma to eat. I invite dad and mom to eat. I invite big brother and big sister to eat.” Then they will respond telling you to “eat” and then you can start.

Huy’s granddad had already passed away but I went in and invited everyone else to eat, “Cháu mời bà ăn cơm, con mời bố mẹ ăn cơm, em mời anh chị ăn cơm”.  I nailed this even though I had to say it super slow so I wouldn’t mess it up. Even to this day I’m so proud that I know this cultural tradition. That same summer a friend of mine and her mother from Da Nang came to visit me and when we were eating I invited her mom to eat before starting. Her mom was so surprised because even their family doesn’t hold this tradition anymore.

I’m pretty sure using the correct pronouns for all of the family members was one of the hardest cultural things to learn. It’s not even straightforward where the word you use depends on the age of the person. It’s actually rooted into the family structure. Huy was helpful with this and every time a relative would be coming he would quickly tell me which word to use, “chú chú!! cháu chào chú!” (when his uncle was coming). It took me a long time to learn but it’s easier when you actually have a person to attach the pronoun to, for example: Cậu Khanh = Uncle Khanh, but more specifically mother’s younger brother Khanh. Then I can go back and translate in my head what the family connection is and memorize it.

There was one instance where I thought I knew what I should say. Huy’s older cousin came over so I greeted her, “em chào chị”. She was so delighted and everyone started to chuckle. They told me, “no, she is your em”. I was just like, “hold on, wait a minute, why are the rules changing here?”. Turns out she is Huy’s mom’s younger brother’s daughter so she is “below” us on the family ranking chart. So even though she is nearly 5 years older than me, she has to greet me as if I’m older than her.

It gets even weirder. Huy’s sister’s daughters have an aunt who is younger than them because of this family structure. They are almost the same age but considered to be a generation apart! In the US we would just call them cousins probably. I just thought that was really interesting.

So while I did struggle a lot in the beginning to learn some of these basic Vietnamese customs I am now happy to report that I feel really comfortable in my Vietnamese family now. I’m no longer afraid to greet people and my speaking has improved so much. I hope that reading these stories is motivation for you if you are struggling with learning the language or the culture that you also can do what I have done. If you’re in a relationship with someone from Vietnam, stay tuned because I’m going to be posting a “10 tips for impressing your Vietnamese in-laws” on here very soon!

Leave a comment if you have an embarrassing culture story from any culture. I’d love to hear it and laugh with you! 😀