My Struggle With Postpartum Depression

Hi Mama,

I’ve never been depressed. I thought it wasn’t possible for me to feel any kind of depression since I’m a “happy” person. Then postpartum depression hit me out of nowhere! Today I want to share my personal experience as a new first time mom who struggled with postpartum depression.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I’m simply sharing my experience and urge you to contact your doctor if you believe you are struggling with PPD. 

When I had my sweet baby girl I never thought in a million years that would I experience postpartum depression. I was so sure of this that I actually THEW AWAY the pamphlets that the hospital gave us on the subject.

I’ve always been a very happy and positive person. Even in the face of a huge personal challenge I always came out the other side smiling. When I had my baby I was filled with joy so I didn’t see how something so amazing could lead to so much pain.

Three weeks after I had Mia I noticed I was struggling. I just shrugged it off. I figured I was just overwhelmed from being a new mom with little help. I didn’t think my feelings were “that serious” and I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak or was ungrateful for my beautiful daughter. So I ignored it.

Related Video: I’ve Been Struggling

As the weeks rolled on things turned more dark. I started finding myself incredibly irritable, resentful of my husband who had loads more free time than me, and I was more lonely than I had ever felt in my whole life. The Coronavirus just made it all way worse. I was suffering in silence and in isolation.

Then I started having scary thoughts. Thoughts of throwing my baby out the window, off the deck, just to get her AWAY from me. I couldn’t stand being with her 24/7. I was exhausted. I was drained. I was sad. I was lonely. And I was scared.

Luckily, I reached a breaking point. I cried for the entire day and finally opened up to my husband about my feelings. The next day I opened up to friends and then I called my doctor. I knew if I didn’t get help it wasn’t going to get better. And I needed to be better for my baby.

When I told my doctor about the thoughts I was having they actually sent police to my house 15 minutes later to check on the baby! That made me feel way worse because it was like they thought I had gone mad! And I was crying because I was scared and embarrassed so I was thinking, “are they going to think I’m a bad mom?”

They also called child services to check on us and I had to be interviewed by a lady on the phone. Then I had to FaceTime her so she could see the baby and the baby’s sleeping space to make sure it was safe and adequate! It really made me feel like they didn’t believe I was a good mom. I know it’s all routine but it’s not something you want when you already feel like shit!

I know I obviously wouldn’t do anything to harm my baby so I wish the thought never came to me. Other thoughts I experienced during this dark time were: what if I drop her and she dies? What if I fall down the stairs while holding her? What if she slips under the water in the bath?

Many nights I laid awake staring at her little belly to make sure she was still breathing. If she didn’t move when she was sleeping I would sometimes actually wake her up to make sure she was okay!

After a few weeks of opening up, talking to a professional, receiving extra support from my husband and making sure I took the time to care for myself more (and take breaks from baby!) I felt more like myself again.

It took about 2 months for me to feel completely better after my darkest days. It’s not magic and still some days are harder than others. But I’m much happier now. 

If you’re going through the same thing, you might be afraid to share your feelings because you don’t want to be seen as weak or as a bad mom. I also know that you may feel afraid that people won’t believe you if you open up. That was my biggest fear. But I want you to know that if you are experiencing any feelings that don’t sit well with you, please speak up!!!

Your treatment plan may vary. You may do well with talking to someone alone like I did, or you may need to think about going on medication to help you cope. There is NO SHAME in whatever treatment option you end up taking. The main goal is to make sure that you feel good as a mom and are able to give the best care possible to your baby. If that means you need to go on medication to do that, then that’s the right option. You should never be ashamed of that.

While I did see a therapist for a few weeks, I found the biggest thing that has helped me is texting with other moms that I met through Instagram. I spent hours venting to my new mom friends when I was feeling so upset and it helped a lot to hear that I’m not crazy. Now I have a support system in place for when I’m having a hard day, and I also have new friends to celebrate my “mom wins” with! 

With that being said, I want to extend my heart to you as a mom who understands what it’s like to go through baby blues and postpartum depression. If you are reading this and feeling alone, sad, or scared, please feel free to message me on Instagram (@motheroffawn). I can give you advice or even just listen. Whatever you need, I’m here. 

Postpartum depression is scary. But you don’t have to face it alone! ♥︎

What to read next: 

Going Off The Pill: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Everything I Googled After Bringing Baby Home

xo

Mother of Fawn